You know how ppl suffer when they have a falling out with one of their dearest best friends, and how much ppl cry when their relationship ends with their first love? I know, and it was damn painful. But I can seriously tell you this... nothing hurts more than actually losing someone. I don't mean break-ups and falling outs, I mean death. It wasn't so long ago when I lost my first love to some other girl (who just happens to be my best friend), but nothing could have prepared me for this. My brother lost his fiance, and even though I only met his fiance twice in the last year or so, my brother's fiance was one of the greatest person I knew. This person taught me a lot, and even though the last time I saw this person was only for a few days, I will and cannot forget it. I felt appreciated and valued for every little effort I put forth. I felt reminded of how to be happy and thankful and everything I forgot while I was with my first love. And now this person who taught me so much is gone, dead, I know only to do one thing for him, and that is to smile... smile at least once a day.
It's god damn painful, but the sooner I accept my family's loss, the sooner we can be happy, for the one person who taught us not to take life for granted. My friend shared a latin phrase with me, "Memento mori," it means "you're immortal." It reminds you that life is short. And for me, it reminds me that life is too short to make room for emotions such as Anger, Jealousy, and everything of the sort. I am sad to have lost someone I thought would be a great addition to the family, but I'm happy for the time we all shared together. In fact I'm very greatful. It is very painful, but I still have a life that I can use to make myself and other peoples lives happier and better. I know how a single smile can brighten someones day, and how a nice single phrase can save someone's life, because it's saved me. I might not know how many lives I can affect by these simple gestures, but to know it's possible to help somehow, makes it worth trying.
I don't really think it was much of a big deal. I went out with my male Best Friend (his gf lives out of town) and we spent the day together. But I've been feeling kind of love sick in general. This has been going on for pretty much weeks now. I yearn to be with someone. But knowing that when I say I want something, it's probably best to either think on it, or that I shouldn't have it at all. I'm feeling a little bit lonely. I want to love someone for real this time, without hesitating when someone asks how I feel about him. I don't think I've ever been able to truly say that I love someone completely and sincerely (too many words with "ly" on them, but w/e).
So, I had one of those full blown breakdowns. And what I realized was that I'm tired of feeling stupid and dreary emotions. I'd rather feel happy, and alive all the time. My brother taught me about the delusional (depressed) part that is in everyone, and how to combat it by using its positive opposite. Well I haven't felt anything bad since then. I think I'll be okay for a while.
I wanted to post this like days ago, but either Xanga or my computer was having problems, so I couldn't. Anyways here it is now.
I've always had the habit of compiling things that I like, so I created a quote book, where I have all the quotes that have helped me through a lot. I'm sharing them to you, some are good and some are just blunt. Some may also be redundant since I made some of them up myself.
Fear leads to anger,anger leads to hate,hate leads to suffering. ~Yoda, Star Wars
Love me for who I am, Take it or leave it. ~Unknown
Life is tough... but I'm tougher. ~ from my ex-best friend
Don't ever say you have lost someone, but say you have once had them. ~ Unknown
Hearts have infinite room [are you gonna let anybody in?] ~ Star Wars, Jedi Quest
If you cant' accept losing, you've already lost. ~ Unknown
You don't have to do things, you choose to do them. ~ Unknown
Every situation is a challenge. Will you be able to learn from it? ~ mysteriously.yours
It's not what's at the end of the road that matters. It's what happened to you on the way. ~Unknown
You'll never know how far you can go until you try. ~ My ex-best friend
Every obstacle you go through in life is just what you need. ~ mysteriously.yours
Love myself enough, so I could love others without expectations ~ mysteriously.yours
It's a lesson. I have analyzed it, learned from it. It's time for me to start walking down the road again. ~ mysteriously.yours
Growth is revealed through change. ~ Hallmark journal cover
Don't cry because it's over, but smile because it happened. ~ my ex-best friend
Nobody's perfect until you fall in love with them. ~ Unknown
Lock every section of your life, just like a submarine, so you won't sink along with it. ~ The Gift, Og Mandino
He is who he is. No on can change that, but his own free will to change. ~ mysteriously.yours
Life is life photography. We use the negatives to develop. ~ One of my closest friends
Love and learn to let go. ~ mysteriously.yours
Keep moving forward. ~ from a Manga that I read.
Living life means growing through grief, sorrow and understanding how to be happy with all those unhappy emotions. ~ mysteriously.yours
See people for what they are and what they're going to be. Not how you think they should be. ~ mysteriously.yours
No matter how hard life is, you keep doing what you need to do. Keep persevering even if it's not comfortable. ~ My best friend in the whole wide world
As long as you know what you did and didn't do, nothing else matters. ~ mysteriously.yours (my mom often told this to me when I was a child)
There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so. ~ Hamlet, Hamlet
Anger most harms the person who feels it. ~ Dalai Lama
We can change the world by changing how we choose to look at the world. ~ Dalai Lama
Certitude is strength and suspicion is worthless. ~ Drizzit Do'Urden, Forgotten Realms by R.A. Salvatore
The only revolution that lasts is the one that begins inside. ~ Dalai Lama
Better by far to expunge the notion of "enmities" that the mind has created. ~ Dalai Lama
The real tragedy is the tragedy of the man who never in his life braces himself for his one supreme effort, he never stretches to his full capacity, never stands up to his full stature. ~ Arnold Bennett
Always be first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else. ~ Judy Garland
We first make our habits, then our habits makes us. ~ Unknown
Better keep yourself clean and bright; you are the window through which you see the whole world. ~ George Bernard Shaw
If who I am is what I have and what I have is lost, then who am I? ~ Unknown
It is impossible for us to break the law. We can only break ourselves against the law. ~ Cecil B. Demille
I'm starting with the man in the mirror I'm asking him to change his ways And no message could have been any clearer If you wanna make the world a better place take a look at yourself, and then make a change. ~ Sudah Garrett and Glen Ballard
He who lets fear rule him, has fear for a master. ~ Night Embrace, Sheryllin Kenyon
Absolute power destroys absolutely. ~ Acheron, Dance with the Devil
Discretion is easy. It's finding the courage to forgive yourself and others that is hard. ~ Acheron, Dance with the Devil
You're a wandering soul looking for a peace that doesn't exist. Lost you will be until you find the one inner truth. We can never hide from what we are. The only hope is to embrace it. ~ Acheron, Kiss of the Night
Things are always given to us when we need them. You just have to decide if you're strong enough, brave enough, to seize it and make it your own. ~ from a Manga
Does history repeat or is it a line extending forward? And if it is a circle, should we break free or resign ourselves to our fate? ~ from a Manga
People seem weak, but they're strong. They seem strong, but they're weak. No matter how much you cry, you still have to sleep and you even get hungry. You suddenly realize you're doing the same thing you did yesterday. You say hi to your friends and smile just like you did yesterday. Life goes on as if nothing's happened... ~ From Mars: Vol 8
Human minds are like limitless space ~ From a Manga
That is the great irony of life, one's never certain of anything until it has passed, or at least until it has been around them for a long time. Even then people are usually still not certain of anything. ~ mysteriously.yours
We humans continue to ask questions and crave for something more than we already have, that is human nature. ~mysteriously.yours
Humans can never be happy, they are a greedy bunch, and I sometimes believe they should disappear off the face of the earth, but then again their thirst for knowledge and power is what allows them to evolve, and grown. What a nasty way of looking at it, but humans aren't really the most serene beings. ~mysteriously.yours (from a time when I was mad at the world)
What's the point of living, if you can't feel alive? ~ Elektra, James Bond: The World is Not Enough
I also have a compilation of Twilight quotes separate from what I have here. I'll post them sometime.
I've been feeling kinda weird lately. Like I'm about to relapse, but whenever I hear the song "Namida", it just reminds me to keep going. I do lie to myself about him most of the time. I can't help it. I'm not over him in a sense. I don't want to be with him, but I still love him. I'm unable to forget the time we shared for 3-4 years. That is something I can never forget, and truthfully I don't want to forget them. To forget means to risk making the same mistakes, that's why I know, no matter how painful I cannot forget them.
"Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget" ~Bella, Twilight
Bella's description is right on! I don't want to remember what happened with us, I don't want to recall the events and emotions in my mind. But when I saw him today, I couldn't help but feel sad. Sad that it's over. Sad to know that as much as I would like to talk to him, I know it's not good for me so I don't. Sad that we would probably never get the chance to talk as friends again (he was my boyfriend and my only best friend at the time). Sad that I can never explain to him what I did to benefit the both of us (causing the breakup). Sad knowing that I can never run to him for comfort whenever I have a problem. Sad knowing that he loved me once, and that I know I can never be the girl for him, and that he is now with a girl more suitable for him (a girl who I pushed onto him to replace me in his heart, so he could finally let me go). But I know dwelling and remembering won't do any good to me. That's why every once in a while I need to drop the weight building up in my heart, and that's why I blog.
So... I'm a big fan of anime and manga. I was watching the 14th episode of Skip Beat and for the first time in like ages I actually read the subs for the ending song. I love the feeling you get off of the beat, it's so lively and yet the video is depressing. Like the contrast intruiged me. The song is of course in Japanese, but this is the English translation courtesy of the uploader (I'm assuming translator too, it doesn't say) "thesolitarybird"
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